Drink
|
Ingredients
|
Girl or Guy |
Words of wisdom |
|
Bahama Mama |
1.0 dash
 Grenadine
2.5 oz.
Orange
juice
2.0 oz.
Pineapple
Juice
1.5 oz.
Dark
Rum
1.5 oz.
Amber
Rum
1.5 oz.
Light
Rum
2.0 oz.
Sour
mix |
Girl/Exception |
A man may only drink
this on vacation in the Bahamas at the insistence of his woman. No
male he knows must be within a 50 mile radius. It is frequently served
as a complimentary beverage there, which makes its consumption even
more permissible, as it goes against the male genes to refuse free
booze. |
|
Martini |
1.5 oz
Gin
0.5 cup
crushed
Ice
1.0 each
green
Olive or Cocktail Onion
1.0 dashes
Vermouth |
Both |
This is a classic
male drink. Remember James Bond? Why do you think he got Pussy Galore?
The vermouth may be adjusted to personal taste and a cocktail onion is
more manly than the olive. Why? Because an olive is a fruit, making it
ever so slightly less masculine. Also, you have to admire women who
drink Martini’s. Chicks who like their alcohol without umbrellas and
fruit juice are keepers. |
|
Vodka Martini |
2 tsp Vermouth
2.5 oz Vodka
One olive or
Cocktail onion |
Both |
A variation on a
classic theme. This is a good one for those of you who don’t like Gin.
Do I need to say it? Don’t use fruity flavored vodkas! They have a
place in some other mixed drinks but not here. The cocktail onion is
also the more manly choice for a garnish. It is a vegetable as opposed
to the olive which is a fruit. You aren’t a sissy for going olive, but
an onion pickled in vodka and vermouth implies “testosterone.”
|
|
Chocolate, Apple, Banana, Raspberry and other flavored Martinis |
Various |
Girls Only |
The fact that these
are called Martinis is just a way of disguising fruity cocktails as
something classier. They are great for girls who want to get their
entire nights worth of alcohol in a glass or two. Guys stick with one
of the above originals. |
|
Mind Eraser |
1.0 Part
Club
Soda
1.0 Part
Coffee
Liqueur
1.0 Part
Vodka |
Both |
The ingredients in
this drink are layered in a glass, starting with Vodka, then Coffee
Liqueur (preferably Kahlua) and ending with Club Soda. A straw is used
to consume the contents very rapidly, from the bottom up. The use of
coffee liqueur and the straw would normally relegate this drink to
chick status, were it not for one thing; These drinks live up to their
name! Generally these are drunk in rapid succession for special
occasions such as bachelor or bachelorette parties. |
|
Red Devil |
0.5 oz.
Banana
Liqueur
2.0 tbsp
Lime
juice
2.0 oz.
Orange
juice
0.5 oz.
Sloe
gin
0.5 oz
Southern
Comfort
0.5 oz
Triple
sec
0.5 oz.
Vodka |
Girl/Exception |
This is a chick drink
usually served in a shooter glass or test tube. The exception is as
follows; Your name is Vinny, you drive a TransAm and you think the
gorgeous shooter girl serving these up at five bucks a pop is going to
give up digits because you bought ten of them. The exception is doubly
valid if the above occurs outdoors in the summertime at a Delaware
Ave. meat market. Sorry Vinny. |
|
Pina Colada |
1 Maraschino
Cherry
each
1.0 part
Coconut
Cream
2.0 parts
Pineapple
Juice
1.0 part
light
Rum |
Girl |
Hint; don’t put
anything in your mouth that sounds like “penis.” I heard that Liberace
once bitch slapped a guy drinking a pina colada and told him to get a
real drink. If you want the flavor of coconut when you are drinking,
eat a frigging Mounds bar and wash it down with Guinness. |
|
Gin and Tonic |
2.0 oz.
Gin
Tonic
to taste |
Both |
Almost any drink
containing Gin is “guy safe,” with this one being the most widely
accepted. Any alcohol distilled with poisonous berries (Juniper) and
tasting vaguely of pine toilet bowl cleaner has GOT to be manly. While
gin isn’t one of my personal favorites, I imbibe occasionally. Stick
with the good stuff; Tanqueray and Bombay Sapphire come to mind. |
|
Domestic Beer |
Water, yeast, hops,
barley and/or other grains. |
Both |
Domestic beer can be
a pitfall for some guys. Order Bud, Miller or Pabst while out on the
town and you are screaming “broke frat boy” to ladies. Save the cheap
stuff for filling beer bongs and your mooching friends. Stick with
good domestics like Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada and Yuengling. |
|
Imported Beer |
Water, yeast, hops,
barley and/or other grains. |
Both |
The biggest mistake
guys make with imports is not knowing enough about them. I hate when
some beer-Nancy has to stop and think about what he wants when a
bartender runs down the draft selection. “Uhhh what’s that second one
again?” Good standbys are Pilsner-Urquell, Stella Artois and
Boddingtons. |
|
Guinness |
Water, yeast, hops
and barley. |
Both |
In most forms served
in bars this “import” is actually made in Canada, despite it’s Irish
heritage. It deserves a solo spot if for no other reason than it’s Big
Rich’s personal favorite. It’s one of the two greatest things to come
out of Ireland, McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes being the second. This is
the beer by which all others pale, literally. Any woman who drinks
Guinness is a keeper. |
|
Alabama Slammer |
1.0 oz
Amaretto
3.0 oz
Orange
juice
1.0 oz
Sloe
gin
1.0 oz
Southern
Comfort |
Girl |
Tip off on this is
the Sloe gin. No respectable man’s drink contains the stuff. Also, the
name is too close to “ham slammer.” It is a perfectly acceptable drink
for the ladies though. Keep pumping these into that pretty little
thing you’ve just met and you’re guaranteed to round third and slide
into home. Just don’t jostle her too much in the process as Southern
Comfort does bad things to the stomach. Can you say Ralph? |
|
Vodka and Tonic |
2.0 oz Vodka and
Tonic to taste.
Lemon or lime wedge
to garnish. |
Both |
You are at a formal
event, possibly black tie. You drove so you don’t want to get crocked
on martinis. A beer doesn’t go with your coat and tails. Don’t fear,
the classic Vodka and tonic is here. As with my caveat on flavored
martinis, skip flavored vodkas and appreciate the subtle clean taste
with a lemon/lime garnish. Keep the vodka simple but classy; Absolut,
Grey Goose or Ketel One. There are better vodkas but you can’t get
them in the US. |
