Big Rich is all cast iron without a hint of space age polymer. He doesn’t do “touchy-feely.” He has a wild mane of hair and fire in his eyes. He fells tall oaks with one swing of his axe and if you’re lucky you might catch sight of him as he roams the north woods with his blue ox.

With this in mind, the opinions he expresses are not necessarily those of Phillytown.com.     

What we need is a sport to fill in until football resumes. But which sport? Baseball? Well it’s ok I guess. Ever since the 1985 strike my interest in baseball waned. Just when I started to attend games again, the strike of 1994 ended my regular baseball game attendance. I really haven’t been to a good baseball game since the crowd chucked batteries at J.D. Drew at the Vet. Ahhh, the denizens of the 700 level, where are you when we need you? Oh that’s right they’re whizzing in the alley behind Pat’s Steaks on a Saturday night.

How about soccer? Ok even I couldn’t say that without a straight face. Seriously, soccer is a joke. Soccer isn’t a sport for men, it’s what we let our daughters play because they don’t have football. Can you even name two famous soccer players? Now name two besides Pele and Beckham? They’re the only two I can think of and that is only because Pele starred in a movie with Sylvester Stallone and Michael Caine, while Beckham bangs Posh Spice. I don’t understand what is so interesting about watching grown men run around in shorts kicking a ball. Then after three hours someone finally scores one lousy point. Talk about boring! No wonder they have so many soccer riots, the fans are pissed! And don’t give me that crap about how the whole world plays soccer, it’s international, blah, blah, blah! Smallpox was something shared the world over that we didn’t have in the U.S. but you didn’t see us trying to “catch the fever.” One last thing; it’s soccer, not “football.” If you are living in the U.S. you’d better say soccer or we’re deporting you back to your second rate country.

So what other sports are there? Bowling and golf come to mind. They are more like activities though. Neither makes for good watching unless Tiger Woods hot girlfriend Elin Nordegren happens to whip her top off on national TV. Bowling is just an excuse to get out of the house and go drink beer. It requires some skill, but compare the salary of the top pro bowler and the top NFL quarterback and tell me at which you’d rather excel.

There is always tennis, but only women’s tennis is even remotely watchable. When two women are on screen grunting and sweating some men will watch, regardless of what the women are actually doing. Replace the scenario with two men and it’s a snooze fest. First tennis has to get rid of all the men, like Martina Navratilova. Next clone Anna Kournikova, dress her in Victoria’s Secret lingerie and make all the women play topless. Then you’d have a ratings grabber. The only way to make men’s tennis watchable would be to change the court a bit. Lay some landmines on the clay. Top the net with barbed wire. Make the ball randomly explode throughout the game. Replace the tennis racquets with cobras. So to summarize, women’s tennis should be all T & A, wiggle and jiggle while men’s tennis should be like the fight scenes in Gladiator.

I still don’t know what I am going to watch until football starts up, but at least I have vented some of my frustration on you, the Phillytown.com fandom. Until next the next time my therapist tells me not to suppress my rage into a tiny black ball that I shove deep down inside until the hurt goes away, so long and keep your homepage set to Phillytown.com!

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