“Big Rich no like puny humans. Big Rich go where no humans find him. If they come, Rich smash puny humans!” With this in mind, the opinions he expresses are not necessarily those of Phillytown.com.     

As I browsed the vendors, someone asked me, “Jesus is a great guy, do you know him?” I turned towards the man who posed the question and his family who were sitting behind a vendor’s table. The man was offering some sort of religious tract in his outstretched hand. As I took in the scene, two things came to mind. The first was, “How bad have things gotten for Christians that they have to pimp Jesus out at flea markets?” The second was, “Damn! That is one ugly family!” These people were so ugly they’d have to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink. They were so ugly their mothers fed them from the next room with slingshots. They were so ugly, their kids would be safe with Michael Jackson. I declined the literature and came to the realization that ugly people love Jesus because only Jesus could love ugly people.

The other reason I love flea markets is because it is only one of two places left in the world where you can smoke cigars with total impunity, the other being inside casinos. At a casino, you can do anything you want because they want happy customers. Happy customers are more likely to gamble away junior’s college fund. In fact, I am quite sure that if you were a big enough high-roller they would let you sacrifice babies out in front of the $9.99 All-You-Can-Eat seafood buffet.

A warning about buffets though; don’t go with a woman! They get a frigging salad and a piece of 99 cent chicken and then say, “I’m full!” Don’t get me wrong, you should date chicks who eat like flies or better yet, anorexic lingerie models with breast implants. Just don’t bring them to the buffet. In fact don’t go with anyone who can’t eat their weight in pick-n-peel shrimp. It’s just a waste. Go with the guys, preferably after some drinking and gambling to build up a hearty appetite. You should embrace Big Rich’s strategy of “shock and awe” eating. Take out as many high value targets as you can. Concentrate on beef, pork and seafood. Not sure what a high value target is? Remember this simple rule; “If it had a mother, eat it.” Avoid things like rice, bread and salads. Hell, you can feed rice to a family of four for only 85 cents a day. Do you want to live like a third world citizen or a decadent Western capitalist? Before you answer that, remember we have indoor toilets!

Well that’s enough for now. I’m off to answer fan mail. Mostly things like, “Big Rich you rock!” or “Big Rich, you are the last real man on the planet, please let me bear your love child.” Now off to find an ice cream sandwich, the only food that meets the strict nutritional requirements of someone wanting a sandwich and ice cream.

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