Rich is big, like 6’6”, 260 lbs and he consumes cheese steaks like some people swallow Tic Tacs. We can’t control him. Nobody can. He’s like an ocean liner and you are the tugboat. You just sort of nudge him and hope he goes where you want. With this in mind, the opinions he expresses are not necessarily those of Phillytown.com.      

I hate stupid sayings. You know what I mean. Things like “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Bullshit. A penny saved won’t buy you squat. In fact we should just do away with them and round off to the nearest nickel. Lincoln has the $5 bill, does he really need the penny too?

Another annoying saying is “A dog is man’s best friend.” If you believe that, you’ve never been with a limber Thai hooker. I mean seriously, most guys would take the company of a reasonably attractive woman of questionable virtue over their dog any night. And if you wouldn’t; go away, we don’t take kindly to your type around here.

And speaking about the company a man prefers, what is up with Geppetto? You know, the old guy from Pinocchio. Now let me get this straight; a man is very lonely and he carves himself a BOY? Was he Geppetto the woodcarving priest? Was he Geppetto the bi-racial King of Pop? If I was lonely and couldn’t get a woman (yeah right!) I’d at least carve me a wooden Pam Andersen. That curvy trunk, that nice tight knothole and those cones of pine…errrrr but I digress.

One disturbing trend that annoys me is the gay boyfriend. Women everywhere seem to have gay boyfriends all of a sudden. From Will & Grace to Sex in the City it is being portrayed as hip to have a gay boyfriend. Sure they dress better than straight guys, sure they don’t look at the waitress’ perky size 2 ass and they will just sit and cuddle with you for hours, not wanting sex. We straight men can’t compete with that, and I advise them not to; just sit back and wait for what the women REALLY want. That’s right, soon they will be crawling on their hands and knees to get all of it. At just over 6 inches long and two and a half inches wide, it’s what they need most and they aren’t going to get it from their gay buddies.

That’s right, we have it and they want it…MONEY! Their gay boyfriends aren’t going to pick up the tab for someone they aren’t sleeping with. No guy is that stupid, gay or not. Soon these women will realize they want to be taken care of, no matter how much of a feminist they proclaim to be. They’ll realize that it takes some straight guy footing the bill to make that happen!

Another thing that ticks me off is cigarette smokers who object to other types of smoke, like cigar or pipe smoke. I don’t know how many times I’ve been out smoking a cigar in a supposedly cigar-friendly bar when some group of DINK’s (Dual Income No Kids) puffing on Newport and Capri cigarettes complains about MY fine Havana! Here is some twat, sucking down smoke from a chemical filled, paper wrapped 15 cent smoke, yet he will trample all over my right to enjoy a fine all-natural, less unhealthy cigar! I support the rights of people who smoke, but this division within the smoking ranks just isn’t smart. With anti-smoking legislation getting more Nazi-esque, smokers of all types must unite. The next time you are in a bar that allows smoking and a guy next to you is enjoying a fine cigar after a long hard week of work, just move over a bit. After all, the bar allows smoking and who is to say that his preference is any better than yours? Besides, it might be me and you don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

‘Til next time, keep using Phillytown.com to find all that Philly has to offer to eat, drink, smoke and be merry!

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