Standard Phillytown.com Disclaimer: He’d be the Dear Abby of Phillytown.com if Dear Abby was a guy, who drank beer, smoked cigars, emulated Homer Simpson and was counting down the days until the Olsen Twins turned 18.

With this in mind, the opinions he expresses are not necessarily those of Phillytown.com.

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Dear Big Rich:

“With all of the publicity surrounding same-sex marriages lately, I was wondering where do you stand on the subject.”

Bruce

New Hope, PA

Dear Bruce,

I’m for same-sex marriages, as long as both chicks are hot.

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Mr. Big Rich,

“You are so funny and your tough guy routine must be an act. I bet at heart you are a romantic and an animal lover.”

Justine K.

Ardmore, PA

Dear Justine,

Yes, I am an animal lover but I believe what a man and a consenting German Shepherd do behind closed doors is their business.

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Big Rich,

In my country we not have access to being internet. Government not like people to see good things of life. Since I come to America I love all things, internet, indoor plumbing and most favorite, Phillytown.com. I like knowing hot places to how you say, “get my groove on.” Phillytown.com tells me all hot places where immoral women go to score big. Also I like very much to read you write. You always make me happy to know I am real American Joe. You are prince among sheep. I hope your crops will always be big and fishing so good.

Your number one fan,

Yusef Kutumbo

Mr. Kutumbo,

Thank you for your words of praise. May I make some suggestions to make your transition to American life easier?

First, learn to speak better English. American chicks are turned off by guys with foreign accents, with the exception of Australian, British and Irish accents. Some chicks like French accents, but those chicks aren’t worth having, much like the French themselves.

Second, please bathe on a daily basis. I’m not sure if you understand it or not, but water is cheap, clean and plentiful here and you don’t have to haul it up from the river, like in your old country. Nothing worse than standing next to some smelly guy in a bar, usually a foreigner or worse a French guy.

Last, please embrace our way of life. I’m tired of guys who start off every conversation with “In my country we do this” or “In my country we have much better things.” If your country was so great why the hell are you here? America isn’t perfect but we have the best system going. After we get rid of the current ruling idiot, it’ll be even better.

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Dear Big Rich,

I notice you mention cigars a lot. Can you recommend some good cigar-friendly places in Philly? Also what kind of cigars do you like? I hope one day very soon to be able to visit Philly and while I’m there would love to smoke some cigars.

F. Castro

Island South of Miami

Mr. Castro,

Whenever the Phillytown.com crew gets together for some quality cigar time, we hit a little place called Mahogany on Walnut. It isn’t “a” cigar place, it’s “the” cigar place. It’s a little swanky, but well worth the price. It is the closest you can get to a private club atmosphere, without club membership. You just aren’t a Philly area cigar lover until you’ve sunk into one of their big leather chairs and burned one. As for cigars, good times call for good sticks. Weekends usually find me lighting up Padron Anniversarios, A. Fuente Opus and Don Carlos, La Aurora Preferidos and hometown favorite Ashton VSG.

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Dear Big Rich,

I’m wondering how you feel about Mel Gibson’s “The Passions of The Christ?”

Tony Bevilacqua

Philadelphia, PA

Mr. B

This was the funniest religious movie I have ever seen, beating out Monty Python’s “Life of Brian.” I think Mel Gibson “nailed it.” My favorite parts were Gollum and the Orcs. I can’t wait for the sequel!

Well that’s all the fan mail for now. If you have any questions or problems you’d like answers to, email me at TheBigRich@Phillytown.com. Keep checking out Phillytown.com for the best in bar reviews, advice and events.

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