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Merry Stevemas 1/6/01
Let me set things straight. I ain't like most guys. I dig this whole Christmas thing: the x-mas lights, trimming the tree, the parties, the mistletoe and all of the sexy ho, ho, ho's.
This time of year the women got their New Year's radar on. It's all about trying to find a guy for the holiday's. You can't turn the TV on without seeing some sappy movie about having a wonderful life or coming home for Christmas. God I love commercialism.
The only thing The Steve can do is exploit this for all it's worth and pack extra protection for the trip. That's what brings me to today's lesson. Paulie and his latest girl were having a get-together at his place right before Christmas. Since Paulie's girl is a stripper, I had a feeling
that she'd be bringing a few of her co-workers to the party.
Giovanni picked me up. It was a Monday night. That was the only pain in the ass of the whole thing. They had to have the party on an off night. The 4 girls couldn't all get off on any other night and Thursday thru Sunday are sacred. So you're probably thinking "Steve, what the hell do
you want with strippers? Their sweater meat is fondled every Thursday thru Sunday for $1 a pop?" My answer to that: "That's why you're at home every night workin' your nut-bag pipe." I'm gonna let you in a secret. I shouldn't, but because I'm a huge stud and I'm The Steve, I'll
share the wealth. Ninety-five percent of men would not want their "piece" getting' groped on a nightly basis by a bunch of fat-assed losers. I don't need to tell you the laws of supply and demand in this situation: the demand of girlfriend strippers is low - ergo these chicks are
either stuck with the freaky 5% (tattooed and/or pierced all over) or are sitting at home most nights wishing they had a normal man. Enter The Steve.
Enough of the theory - so we're in the car driving to the party and Giovanni won't shut his "spaghetti hole" talking about how he's going home with a stripper tonight. I keep my trap shut because I know he's going to screw the pooch by saying something stupid like
"Is doin' a couch dance harder that it looks?" or "Did you every have a guy spill his sauce while you were dry humping him?" Yeah, that'll get these girls interested. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy to pieces, but he's got a habit of sticking his size 11's in his mouth.
The call here is to not even mention what they do for a living, unless one of the bellezze (Italian for beautiful women) bring it up.
We roll up to Paulie's joint and say all of our "Merry Christmases." Paulie's girl, Janet, is smokin'. She's a redhead with big jugs, round ass, green eyes and dancer's legs. She's wearing a dark red strapless dress and a little Santa hat for effect. Paulie is one lucky
goombah. There are 2 girls in the living room: a cute dark-haired Asian girl in skirt and a blonde that looked like a big chested Cameron Diaz. To break the ice I say: "Hey Paulie, I didn't know we were having an X-mas party with Charlie's Angels." The blonde laughs and I
could tell by the look in her eye that there was a good chance that The Steve was going to meet her under the mistletoe by the end of the night. Before I could make a move towards the blonde, the Asian chick motions for me to come over and sit with her on the couch. I head towards the couch
and introduce myself, she says her name is Mary. I ask her what she wanted for Christmas but before I finish the thought, she starts squeezing my leg, telling me that the sexiest parts of a man are his legs: "the meatier, the better" - in her words. I can't help it that I'm
huge, but The Steve likes to be the hunter, not the hunted. The desperate vibe that this chick is throwing on me is beginning to bother me, not to mention that if she keeps rubbing my leg, I won't be able to stand up in these Dockers.
I notice the blonde get up from her chair and head towards the kitchen to speak to Janet - she looks even better from behind. I needed to take a time-out so I make a quick exit by telling Mary that I gotta hit the "little boys room." As I walk upstairs to the bathroom, I realize
that it's time to re-group and with any luck, Giovanni will run some sort of interference with Mary. The only problem is, how do I get the word to "G?" Then it hit me - cell phone.
Tune in next time to see who winds up On The Steve.
-The Steve
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